Byline: Max Offen Sichtlich
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Doubleday Darling Stays Gets Bump
Nov 16, 2055
The Sacramento Mad Popes won their only arbitration case today, prevailing over the aggressive presentation made by the representation of Rich Dares. As a result, the infielder will receive $1,105,500 to play baseball this coming year. Witnesses say Dares’ lawyers and best sabrmetricly inclined friends had asked for $1,195,700, so the decision save the club a cool $90.2K.
Don’t forget the .2.
Dares’ case was made mostly by playing a videotape of the highlings of this year’s Doubleday, including slow-motion takes on his eleven hits.
The team’s case took six and a half hours, including two potty breaks and a brief aside with the arbitrator, who asked if this was all really necessary.
“The process was brutal,” Dares said afterward. “No one likes to hear everything they do wrong, and those guys held nothing back. Now I’m not even really sure I know how to brush my teeth. I really should have just taken whatever they offered and gone on.”