Who'll Bench the Rain?
Chicago, September 15, 2049 -- Your faithful scribe noticed a curious item the other day -- Virginia Rain refused to talk about a contract extension.
"Wait, what?" I'm sure you are asking. "Do you mean the very same Virginia Rain who was demoted to AAA this season because he couldn't hit .200, and is hitting even worse in AAA? That same Virginia Rain?"
Here's the sorry tale: Virginia Rain was drafted in 2039 in the fifth round by the Madison Wolves and hit solidly as he worked his way through the minors. But big league pitching proved his undoing. In 2046 he hit .197 for the Wolves in limited action, which prompted him to be placed on waivers and picked up by Montreal. In 2047 he hit .143 for Montreal, which led to being waived again, at which point the Black Sox organization picked him up.
Then, last year, something went strangely right for Virginia. He proceeded to hit a solid .270 for the Black Sox in 2048, with a .864 OPS and a 4.6 WAR. Then-GM Jim Cox looked like a genius. He'd found a solid 3B in the scrap heap. And arbitrators agreed, for in the off season Rain was rewarded with a $2.5 M salary for '49. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he's a panel of salary arbitrators.
Of course, as we all know by now, the Rain came crashing down this season: he couldn't hit big league pitching again (.171 in 170 plate appearances), and that prompted his being DFAd to AAA, where he managed to hit even worse (.118, and that's not a typo).
All this brings us back to the little news item we saw the other day. You see, as a joke, the Black Sox front office asked the Rain if he would be interested in talking about a contract extension. They were going wait for him to say yes, and then offer $50 and a used catcher's mitt. But to their suprise, ol' Virginia said (you guessed it) "I am not interested in talking about contract extension."
This left us speechless. Does the Rain think he's... good? So we penned a little ditty, set to the tune of that old Credence Clearwater song. Hum along if you can.
Long as I remember the Rain's been striking out
Hitting little pop ups, and dribblers on the ground
Black Sox fans are ragin', more games lost than won
And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll bench the Rain?
I yelled at Virginia, from high in bleacher seats
Said "You're a shitty hitter, with putty on your cleats!"
Virginia looked up at me, surprised to hear his name
And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll bench the Rain?
When Badr Isam's playin', how we cheer for more
The fans love this young phenom, taggin' up to score
But still the Rain keeps playing, still he's chasing fame
And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll bench the Rain?
